Physical Touch - more than just sex!

This is the last post in my series about the five love languages based on Dr Gary Chapman's book. If the theme interests you, make sure you read all 6 posts.

The 5th love language: Physical Touch

Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.

Many people initially think their love language is Physical Touch. The reason is because they enjoy love making. The fact is that most of us do. But not all of us has Physical Touch as our primary love language. People who speak and hear this language primarily actually feel loved when their partner sits close to them while watching a movie, holds hands on a long walk, or kisses them. They enjoy any form of physical contact as well as sex. To them love making is more than just receiving or giving pleasure, it's the way they give and receive love. If their partner withholds physical contact, they will feel unloved and rejected.

When a "Physical Touch person" is going through a crisis they will more than anything need physical touch from their partner. They would much rather have you hold them and be silent, than offer them advice or encouragement.

It is important to remember that even though sex makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.

Understanding the languages of love, and which one one's partner speaks and hears most, is vital to healthy communication.

While two partners will likely have two different primary love languages, it is very easy for people to express love when they understand their partner. Those who prefer serving others can very easily give compliments, gifts, time, or affection to their spouses. Sometimes, the best way to know how to do this most effectively is to ask one's partner, "what can I do for you everyday that will make you feel special?"

Acts of Service

This is the 4th part of my brief summary from Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages. I can recommend this book for anyone who wants to improve their relationship with their partner. For my husband and I it gave us a whole new way of expressing our love for eachother.

Number 4: Acts of Service – What Have you Done for me Lately?

Could Acts of Service be the primary way in which you wish to receive love? Does this love language speak louder to you than the others? Do you feel that 'actions definitely speak louder than words'? In this case, acts of service likely ranks higher on your love language list than say, words of affirmation. You may somewhat feel that 'talk is cheap,' but your partner or mate can show you they love you by checking the windshield washer fluid in your car and your tire pressure.

And just as this group feels loved when things are done for them, they convey love in the same manner by doing the laundry, fixing things around the house, and making nice meals. If your partner is constantly doing things for you, don't start taking it for granted. Show that you appreciate it and that you recognize that it's their way of saying "I love you!"

If you suspect your loved ones primary love language is acts of service, look for opportunities to help them and do things for them. This will make them feel so loved by being taken care of!

"Life is filled with opportunities to express love by acts of service," Dr Chapman states.

If you suspect that your own primary love language is acts of service and your mate does not speak this loudly enough to you, teach them about it. Perhaps you could identify some things they could do for you? Gently make some suggestions, but remember it has to be freely given on their part to be an act of service. Acts of service are done out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment.

Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that they don't necessarily enjoy. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate. Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort and energy. Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Please follow me the next couple of days. On Friday I will post about the last Love Language: Physical Touch. I'll follow up with a personal post about how my husband and I figured out our love languages and a great Giveaway!

Giving and Receiving Gifts

Until you get your hands on the Five Love Languages book, you can read my brief summaries of the Love Languages that I'm posting this week. Hopefully it will get you thinking about communicating your love in the way that your partner will best perceive it.

The Five Love Languages that Dr. Chapman describes in his book are: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service.

Which one is yours and which one is your partner’s? Chances are they are totally different.

Even with the best intentions and the highest desire to show true love to your partner, you will miss the boat and deplete their "love tank" if all you do is speak your love language rather than theirs.

Gifts – A Commonly Misunderstood Love Language

Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.

People who feel loved and appreciated by getting exactly what they want for their birthday will feel disappointed if you forget to buy them something. They might also get hurt if they get a gift that's thoughtless. Gift giving is a very sincere form of communicating one's love and admiration, and should not be thought of as mere materialism. These people love to browse the stores and find the perfect gift for the people they love as a sign of their affection. They want the same in return.

If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.

These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

What is most important to them is the thought that you have put into the gift, not the price.

Quality Time

Are you speaking your mate's Love Language?

Do you know how to effectively convey unconditional feelings of respect, love and commitment that will resonate in your partner's soul?

Each person expresses and receives love best through one of five different communication styles. Of course we receive love in all the languages, but which one is perceived in the clearest and loudest voice?

Use the right Love Language and your message of love will come through loud and clear. You can read more about the five love languages in my two previous posts. I also recommend Dr Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages.

The second of the Love Languages is what we refer to as "Quality Time".
Quality Time is time focused on something that the person whose language this is feels is important. For example, a man who wants to spend quality time with his wife and children might want to spend the day watching a ball game or going to the park. Just the fact that he is spending his time with them tells them that they are valuable to him.

Some partners might want quality time together that is as simple as talking while they wash dishes or organize a closet. Watching movies together, eating dinner in a restaurant, going for a long walk, sitting on a porch swing, and going to the mall are all forms of spending quality time together. Make sure that you suggest doing something that your partner actually enjoys. (She might not be that excited about going to the Monster Truck show on your anniversary...)

Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT spending quality time with her. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.

If your mate's primary Love Language is Quality Time, they will easily feel hurt and rejected if you do not prioritize spending time with them. Their "love tank" will eventually go empty and they will not be able to meet your needs. In order to show each other love and affection, there has to be a surplus in our own lives.

Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.

In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.

Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.

In tomorrow's post I will share about the 3rd Love Language: Giving and Receiving Gifts.

Words of Affirmation

Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that dress,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved. A little love note can be enough to fill their "love tank" to the brim.

We all enjoy encouraging and uplifting words, but for some people it is through words they feel loved and the way they show love. If you know someone who is always very good at complimenting, encouraging and praising the people around them, it's likely their Love Language is Words of Affirmation. If you want to make them feel loved and good about themselves, say something nice and heartfelt to them.

Contrastingly, insults can be very damaging. People who's primary love language is Words of Affiramation will feel extremely hurt by harsh comments or unfeeling remarks.

Of course most of us speak more than one Love Language. We appreciate all of the different ways of showing love, but usually there will be one or two of them that will be more important to us.

To learn more about the Love Languages see previous post and follow me the next few days.

The Five Love Languages

It's Monday and this evening my husband and I are doing a Couples Class at our church. Today's topic is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Have you heard about it?

My husband and I read the book together about 5 years ago and we loved it. At the same time we went on a couples retreat where the focus was to get to know eachother's "love languages". It became an eye-opener for us both. Even though we had been married 10 years at the time, we had very different ways of communicating our love for one another.

According to the book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Dr. Gary Chapman began his quest to find the ways in which couples attempt to communicate their feelings to one another.

In his search, Chapman found that people generally express themselves in five ways:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Giving and Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

The "Love Tank" in Relationships:
Dr. Chapman also discusses what he refers to as a "love tank" that has a system of deposits and withdrawals. When a person feels loved, he or she is receiving a deposit. When that same person feels unappreciated, he or she is being withdrawn from.
Too many withdrawals can leave someone with an empty tank. And if your tank is empty you will find it hard to express love for your partner. The problem is that you are speaking two different languages. If you express your love in a manner that your mate doesn't understand, he or she will not realize that you have expressed your love at all. The book focuses on how to better speak and understand the unique languages of love and effectively express your love as well as feel truly loved in return.

On a personal note I can testify that discovering that my husband said "I love you" many times each day without me actually hearing it, opened up a whole new line of communication between the two of us. He also started to understand that I had certain needs that had to be met for me to feel loved.

I recommend the book if you would like to start focusing on how to communicate your love for your mate. You can order it here. It's a very easy read. So easy that you can skim through it in a few hours - but that is not the point. I think the best thing is to read it together. Read one chapter and then talk, talk, talk...
The next couple of days I will give a brief summary of each of the languages. If this topic interest you, please come back and visit me.