Yesterday I spotted a beautiful black and silver Harley. It looked very powerful and sexy and it brought back some crazy memories...
I have only ridden on a Harley once.
It was the summer of 89. I was 19 and on vacation in Spain.
Very young and kind of infatuated with this incredibly handsome (I thought so... must have been intoxicated) Spanish man that drove a Harley and always looked like he was bored. Actually, I don't remember his name... weird, must have blocked it out!
So finally one day he asked me for a date. *swoon*
I happily agreed and got ready for the big night. I wore a black corset top and a black maxi skirt and tons of necklaces and bracelets... (I know, sad Madonna copy! I think I even had a rhinestone cross...)
Yep, wore all of the above!
Did I mention I wore a black maxi skirt?
Something like this...
Eagerly I met him on the beach walk (Paseo Marítimo). Hey, I had forgotten all about the Harley! Now he gestured for me to get on. Get on a Harley! I didn't even know how to do that. So with very little grace and much awkwardness I climbed on and placed my hands around his waist. Mmmm... kind of nice. He slowly road along the beach walk and I felt like such a cool babe passing all the restaurants on the way. I even saw a couple of familiar faces looking at me with envy. Me, the biker chick!
Then we hit a crossing road and he started accelerating a little more... still kind of fun and exciting. The wind was blowing my hair (helmets are for sissies...right) and I grabbed on a little harder. Then he suddenly turned left and we hit the highway... OH, MY GOD! In about 2 seconds he was doing 160 km (100 miles) an hour and I could barely hold on to his waist. My hair was now almost being pulled off, my contact lenses dried up in about 10 seconds and I could hardly breath. Now, blind and without the ability to scream, I started PRAYING: "Pleeeease don't let me die! Pleeeease don't let me die! Goooood! Pleeeease don't let me die! Pleeeeease!" I could see myself lying in a pool of blood and crumbled up steel in a ditch somewhere. I have never been so scared my whole life! So I just kept on praying, trying to get this IDIOT to slow down. But I didn't dare to move my hands and he didn't hear my faint gasps for help, so he just kept going.
Live to ride? Yeah, right! Ride and DIE you mean!
Then something happened... the motor seemed to make little weird noises and you could feel it run uneven. NOW he started getting worried. He slowed down and pulled off the highway and started to slowly drive down some small city streets. I was regaining my voice by this time and my sanity, just thanking God that I was still alive. My date was muttering angrily about something being wrong with his bike. Every time he tried to accelerate the motor would start coughing! Very slowly he drove back to the Beach Walk and stopped in front of the restaurant where we were eating. Finally, I had survived! Thank you GOD!
As he got of the bike I could see the worry and frustration on his face as he was plundering about what was wrong. With little affection he reached his hand out to help me off the bike and as I lifted my behind to get off I felt a strange pull... What? I couldn't really get off the bike! As I looked down (simultaneously as my date) I saw to my horror that my black maxi skirt had been SUCKED into the exhaust pipes! And being of a nice synthetic material my skirt had melted and gotten stuck to that hot steel... YIKES!
My no longer so handsome date (his eyeballs almost falling out of the sockets) started cursing (in spanish ... I knew enough to blush) and yelling. He started tugging at the skirt to get it out of the exhaust pipes and my skirt had an elastic waistband! So as he was pulling frantically I felt my whole skirt being pulled off my but and exposing my underwear. I grabbed hold of the waist of the skirt and tried to pull it back up. He kept pulling it down. At the same time I was trying to keep my balance on the huge Harley. Now this would have been a horrible experience if it happened outside your house, I was on the BEACH WALK! Hundreds of people passing by! And within seconds a huge crowd of people started gathering watching this funny tug of war. I was MORTIFIED!
Finally, with a ripping sound, I could feel my skirt escape from the iron grip of the Harley. The people around us actually started to applaud! I managed to wiggle down from the huge black monster with no help whatsover from "Mr Charming". It was a sad sight! Since my skirt had actually melted, I had big holes around on both sides going all the way up to my thighs! Now with a crowd watching I tried to brush of my total humiliation and give a little shallow laugh. The brainless thug looked at me with a sort of mixture of disgust and fear (is she totally nuts?) and said: "Guess dinner is off, huh?" With a sort of shrug and gesturing to my skirt he obviously thought that I was going to run home and hide, but NO - it was payback time! "OH, I'm fine" I answered again with that crazy little laugh. "This is just the latest fashion", I said and pointed to my skirt. "I'm hungry!" I straightened my back, pulled myself together, tried to brush back my hair and put up a fake smile. I'm in awe that I actually did this - what a cool chic!
But totally out of my mind of course! What was I thinking!
Mr NOT SO HOT couldn't believe his ears, he now figured he was on a date with a total lunatic. Hello, I just wrecked his beloved bike. He was fuming and probably wanted to slap me. But there were so many people watching he just nodded and went sort of shelled shocked into the restaurant. I came stumbling in about five steps behind him. And I actually had a 3 course meal, with wine. I have no idea what I ate, or what we talked about. We probably didn't... It was totally PAINFUL! It was like pulling teeth whit a plumbing wrench. Still, for some strange reason I needed that closure. So when I finished the meal I got up (leaving him with the check), smiled again (incredible, should have become an actress!) and gave that podgy weak-chinned thin-haired eye-protruding STUPID dumbass (sorry!) a wave. I think I said something in the line of : "See you around!"
Didn't go on a second date and never rode a Harley EVER again!
Had to borrow this one from thefrisky.com
Now, I actually managed to go through another skirt-melting experience equally embarrassing a few years later. (I must be the only girl in the world!) Would you like to read about it?